I felt the shudders of my body when Sharon told me that
the results for last semester were out. Unlike every other semester,last semester was the worst season of my
life. And, I’m left with myself to blame for all the wrong choices made... I
deserve to eat and swallow my own consequences, and then dig my own grave.
Really, last semester was filled with a whole lot of
mistakes that cannot be undone. Honestly, I don’t know what was going on. Life
was in a mess. I remember crying over my messed up life over and over again.
Never in my entire life had I felt such a failure till last semester.
Let me explain.
I’ve got a -2 for each of my subjects for not fulfilling
requirements of attending experiments. Never have I missed this! Handed in
assignment late and had more marks taken away. Missed almost 8/10 classes
because I overslept. And even if I was in class, my mind was half of the time
in outer space. Oh, what about exams then? I can only now regret that I didn’t
finish studying the textbook and reading the notes.
What more can I say? I’ve now earned myself a Bachelor’s
Degree in Procrastination, an upper class distinction in Poor Time Management course,
and The Most Outstanding Worst Student award. Yay????
I cannot express how much I failed this semester.... So much for being a living testimony, huh?
There was one particular morning when I was already late
for class, I remember driving even further away from college. I don’t know what
went wrong that morning. I parked my car by the road side and I broke down. I
felt crushed, hurt by my own wrongdoings. “God, I’m sorry I’ve failed You, brought
You much disgrace. Please Lord, take me out of this mess that I’ve been living,
this is not me, I don’t know who I am anymore.”
Just now, before I logged on to myPride (where I check my
grades), I sat down prepared to accept whatever that comes.
Can’t remember who was that who asked me “what is grace”.
Let me tell you, this is God’s grace - I’ve gotten what I don’t deserve: for
the subject I thought I was certain that I am going to fail, a “C-” is what I’ve
gotten. For the other subjects that I
can’t remember what I’ve learnt, a “B-“is what it says I’ve gotten. I know B-’s
and C-’s not great, never great at all; but, it’s MORE that what I truly
deserve because I deserve to fail.
Please don’t mistake me as trying to brag or anything.
With these grades, there’s really nothing to brag about. It’s just that I know
God deserves praises because at times where all humans’ effort failed, God is
indeed in control. And it is where He seems silent and faraway; He’s there,
next to you (and me).
I really deserve to fail that subject.
That’s the undeserving grace I’m talking about.
Dear Father, no words could express how thankful I am for
that grace. I’m sorry for the wrongs I’ve done, for the messed-up life I’ve
been living. Truly, this life I’m living now is all Yours and I humbly ask that
You come and take control. I praise You and thank YOU for the people that You
have brought into my life to help me out in seasons like this. I pray You’ll
bless them too. Lord, once again, all glory and praise go to You and You alone.
In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
I thank God for this new year, it's a new beginning for me.
I am very determined to work hard this semester. I'm now using THREE (3) alarm clocks + 2 handphone alarms to wake me up in the morning. And have been reaching early to class these first 2 days of class, with an exception of one class cuz I went to the wrong class! Hehe!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! it's always never too late right???
There's
just so much to say since I'm back from the internet break. Yeah, have
not been online to chat, to blog, read blogs, or even surf the net.
Well, I did check my email once in a while.
You
know what? I've been taking a break off my handphone too. Just needed a
break. Hence, I apologize for the lack of replies and the lack of
"keeping-in-touch" kinda thing.
It's a good break- for me. First of
all, it's a different kinda break. I don't normally get to break from
phone calls or the net, so this break was just totally embracing
freedom.... and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT! So, update me bout yourself when you see me okay?
Secondly, I've invited Jasmine over
to stay at my place for the holidays since dear sarawakian will be all
alone back at Kasah. This is something that I have never done or
experience before. I mean, of course there were people like Ai Li and
Chia Wei who sleepsover once in a while but I'm talking about a 3-weeks-stay!
Definitely, something new for me. Anyway, I hope she had a great time
here.
Thirdly, Christmas was good. I still feel like there's
something missing this Christmas, I don't know what.... but overall, it
was okaylah. Like maybe, I was just too busy this Christmas till I miss the whole point of Christmas? Honestly, I feel alot like the Grinch this Christmas. It's not a good thing!!! Maybe this year, I'll just not do anything, sit back and just ponder on the meaning of Christmas? Can I? Or can I celebrate Christmas somewhere else? Or Maybe it was the people missing... like YOU were just missing? Like... I didn't get to see
YOU? I'm really talking about YOU, the one reading THIS now! Yes, YOU!
Fourthly,
baby cousin is staying at my place now for good. His parents just....
left them with us for the weekdays and will be taking him back for the
weekends. _____ , ______ parents they are!!! You fill in the blanks
lahh.... But the baby is so cute and having him here is like having
another brother (or son) at home.
In conclusion, I finally got
the break I needed and wanted! So, Hurrah for me! I hope this break or
holiday season is a "Hurrah" for you too!
Heeeeeeeeeeh!
The
next question I'm gonna ask myself is whether I'm ready to face the new
year. I've got a tonnes of mixed feelings for this year. Yeah, everyone's talking
about the economic crisis but I'm talking more about the THIRD YEAR
that I'll be facing.
Nope, I have never imagined & cannot
imagine being a third year student. Just cannot picture it. I don't
even know whether I'm ready, whether I'm up to par, or whether I'm fit to
even complete it. It's a scary thought, y'know!? But at the same time,
I know I ain't quittin' and I am not going to give up.
Dear classmates, Whenever you think I'm slacking, SLAP me, KICK me, PUNCH me, DANCE with me (haha, I know this last one does not really apply.... but whateva, you get the point), Please help me get serious....? KNowing that I am a slacker and procrastinator
very busy person, help me by reminding me okay??? THANKS! We shall all
go for holiday when our studies are over! Like a good holiday in Phuket or Bali, Japan or Hong Kong Disneyland, Bahamas *lost in outer space*
OKay, I'm about done now. I've got more to say but Jasmine is sleeping
and I'm coughing and sniffing away here. I cannot be a mean roommate!
So i shall shuddup both virtually and physically now.
?? why are there so many November babies =) ?? . . . I can only think of one probable reason. . . . . Parents are/were more active in the month of February. valentines day =)
Happy Birthday Charnice Chan Soo Yin! I'll celebrate your birthday with you after my exams k!?!?
I was suppose to be in class like 2 hours ago. I've decided to go visit my uncle's wife and his new born baby in the hospital instead :) The baby was born early this morning!! So exciting!
Funny, it was just yesterday that they came to our house and we were expecting the baby to arrive early December. Didn't know that it'll be TODAY!
My cousin's a baby boy! And no, his name is not "Couzzie"! And he weighs 2.2 kg! He's super cute (which baby not cute, you tell me?) HAHA! and I get to carry him!! He's so light.... so small. Then there was this I-stare-at-you-you-stare-at-me moment!
Hehe! My fellow November baby cousin brother :)
You know what's more exciting than this???
They've given me the privilege of giving him an English name!! ME! So privilege!! Really man, naming a Baby is not easy! It's a name that he'll be carrying for life!
The name must be easy to pronounce. Living in Malaysia, knowing that there's so many ahpeks, Abu and Kumar... if you don't give him a easy name to pronounce, the poor kid will grow up hating his name. And I don't want to be blamed for this! Trust me, I know.
The name cannot be too unusual or common. There's like so many Michael(s), Jason(s), David(s), Benjamin(s), Daniel(s).... no offense to people who have names such as this but it's a common name! You simply shout this names in a pasar malam, 20 people or more will say "yes???" Neither do I wanna name him "handsome", "money", "aabfmada" or "oiuyttre" (lol, the last 2 Ii simply type). You shout this name in the pasar malam, people will stare one kind!!
The meaning of his name must fit the baby. I don't wanna simply name the baby cause it simply sounds nice. It must be meaningful that they baby will live out the meaning of his name!
So hard right?!?!?!? I've got only a few dayssssss!!!!!!!!!
The reason I'm not in class is also because that white "char-car" (Lousy car in cantonese, Saga in english) DIED in the middle of the road when i was driving k! ISHK!!!
I can't
stand it anymore.
*puke puke* I just feel like as though no
one can understand me any longer. I've tried so hard to avoid
thinking of such a flawed word... and to actually even say it.... *speechless*
This four-letter-word is indeed nasty, demeaning, and maybe selfish, but I
really think it best describes my present moment. Sorry, desperate!
I'm
B.U.S.Y... hence, the lack of updates!
...but happy :)
If you don't understand at all this post, HAHA, neither do I!
Lord, grant me the strength to keep moving forward, the courage to completely put my trust in You, the wisdom to live by, and the peace that passes all understanding.
Lord, I know you are more than able to carry me through, this season of disappointments, fears and uncertainties. Oh Lord, I'm weak and I'm scared, but I know that in Your strength, I'm strong, in Your hands, I'm safe.
Lord, I thank You for Your never ending grace and mercy upon my life, this season of change You've placed upon me to teach, to mold and shape, and to help me remember and trust that, God, You know best, and You are always near.
Lord, I'm thankful to be a part of Your plans, to be entrusted with all You have in store for me. Walk with me and guide me through this life's journey with You, hold me in Your big and mighty hands. Grant me a heart of Yours, I pray, that I may please and serve You all the days of my life till I meet with You once again.
Wheee! I've been blogging consistently!! How rare!! I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing though cuz other things awaits.
Anyway, I can't be here for long. It's 12.28am on the clock now (need to keep time)
Just a few updates =)
YaY! Furniture in room moved once more! I like shifting furnitures around my room, Priscilla thinks it's therapeutic. I think it is too! You should try them someday too =) And it does help alot!
Went to study in church today... YES!! in church =) Quite a conducive place to study! Oh, studied with Joanna and a new found friend, Samantha!
I was studying PSY 303 and was reminded of 3 things that I find helpful in what I'm going through now:
To be open to changes
To make mistakes and be willing to admit them
To live in the present
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Okay, Joshua really made my day today. We were watching DisneyChannel and Hannah Montana's advertisements (a.k.a miley cyrus ) were playing. Joshua so sweet!
He said: "CheChe Betsy look like Hannah Montana" . . . . . .
*shocked* And I was like....
HAHAHHAHAHAHAH! Huh? Where? Which part? Got so pretty or not?? . . . . .
He nodded with a cheeky smile!
Anyway, aiyor... so sweet =) Just pretend I really do look like her lah okayy.... maybe it's the loud part. She quite loud hor?
Haha! super happy cannot sleep!
*tries to get over it*
HAHHAHA CANNOT! . . . . . . .
Here are random pictures for you to look, see, look, see!
. . . .
My lasted-for-5-days-nails
I've never been soooo bimbotic in my life before, sticking stickers on my nails. FIRST TIME & not the last =)
. . . . . . .
Some fish I drew in class. Was bored. If Freud sees this, I wonder what he'll interpret out of this.
To me, it's "I'm really poor now, gimme your money" . . . . . . . .
Wall - E =) Look like him right?!?!
Found him at the entrance of the HP tower. Priscilla and Jamie Khoo went super HIGH pitch over this yellow thing.
Sorry lah... not a fan of that movie... lolz... Hated that undeadable (no such word I know) roach!
. . . . .
Lolz... Kin Eu fell asleep in PSY 303.
Darryl was next to him and I was sitting behind him.
Darryl had a marker pen.
I had itchy fingers.
Poor kin eu didn't feel anything, hence, the smiley :)
This time, I'm referring to the sun and nothing MORE!
Really man! The weather so hot can die. Exaggerating, I know... but very hot ahh! My aircon pulak of all days choose these two days not to work.
So sweaty.... like everywhere sweat. Boobs & backside also sweating.
Rain come down k???! No, not the one from Taiwan. The one from the clouds can?! . . .
Anyway, I've been a good girl these 2 days and all I did was chill at home, do assignments and eat, sleep and play. =)
Thebabysitter took me to massage my leg today. Needed to fix that previous injury. Funny thing was, the "massager" (I don't want to use "masseuse" because it sounds too high class) massaged my hand more than my leg. Surprisingly (or not), my feet is back to normal now =) Like, I can walk without the funny feeling. Whole body connected to each other... you know, you know?
okay, I'm going to go clean my room now. Wanna re-arrange the furnitures too! Interior Designing skills kicking in!! Taaaa!
:Betsy Yeo: :A November baby: :Subang Jaya, Malaysia: :Help University College: :Bachelor of Psychology: : was 21 & forever will be :) : :betsy_wly@live.com.my:
: I live with:: thefather(salesman), themother(babysitter), thebrother(thedodgeballfreak), theotherbrother(theengineer), thedog(Baby), theotherdog(Amber). ----------------------------------------------
Life is sometimes hard to define.
It's so full with its ups and downs like a never ending roller coaster.
What more can I say? Just live your life how you are meant to live. I'm living mine ;)
This is my story, my life.
"I am not what I ought to be; I am not what I would like to be; I am not what I hope to be. But I am not what I once was, and by the grace of God, I am what I am." (John Newton 1725-1807)
One more thing, I really, really love singing in the toilet...beautiful acoustics :p
